


Prayers For Rain

by my_soul_is_fire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Season/Series 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:10:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5297702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_soul_is_fire/pseuds/my_soul_is_fire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time is dangerous. Life is precious and volatile.<br/>One second. And Dean is gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prayers For Rain

**Author's Note:**

> New little fic! Tell me what you think about!  
> Title is a song by The Cure and the quote is from 'Song to the Siren' by This Mortal Coil

 

_' Well, I'm as puzzled as a newborn child,_

_I'm as riddled as the tide..._

_Should I stand amid the breakers,_

_Or should I lie with Death, my bride? '_

 

 

Castiel's mind is a land of beauty and despair.

A strange, dark garden of chaos where light shines in very rare times.

 

Oh, sure there are beautiful memories. The birth of humanity maybe? The fresh and wonderful smell of Heaven's golden flowers, the softness of the evening breeze, the waves breaking violently on the shore as the storm makes the skies darker than night?

The sun on a broken mirror? The sound of an old piano, almost like a voice chanting unknown words? The dust flying in the afternoon light? The snow falling without a noise?

 

Ah, how he wished his own fall was silent. Instead, he can only remember the sweet agony of his broken soul, the screams of terror of his fragile heart.

 

The humans were incredible too. A sea of laughters, tears and stolen kisses. There was something about their short, almost meaningless lives that fascinated all the angels. Just like the thought of an ephemeral butterfly, born yesterday and yet, destined to die before it could see and feel everything.

And the danger! Humanity couldn't help but flutter next to that flame. Why do they have to risk their lives, when you know how precious and volatile they were?

 

Humans think they are safe, think the walls they built around them are enough. They don't understand the threats are coming from the inside. That there's only one real thing that can hurt them in such a deep way they'll be left broken forever: themselves.

Because if you think about it, the only reason they all suffer is because they open their hearts and give everything to the others. That's their fault.

That's what Castiel has been told. That everything was always his fault. Of course he's not human, but angels weren't much different. Full of flaws, if it's not entirely made of mistakes. But doubts are still haunting his mind.

The people who surround us, weren't they guilty too? Wasn't it their choice to do the bad?

 

Everything was so confusing, really. Everytime Castiel thought he had finally understood the world, this one surprised him even more. The Universe was a way too dangerous and painful thing to feel safe in.

 

But let's dive back into the angel's head. It would be an understatement to say his mind is a mess. There weren't any rules inside, it was a pure pandemonium, a burning and growing cloud of thoughts. That wasn't quite pleasing to be inside, if you ever wanted Castiel's opinion.

Because it's inside your head you realize everything that's wrong in your life, and where you remember all the mistakes you made in one existence. But the most terrifying was still the feelings you forbid yourself, the lines you crossed and the things that could never be undone.

 

Because inside this stormy head, far in the dark corner of the shameful things, there were this laughter, this smile, these eyes that just couldn't disappear.

 

Yes, that was a beautiful and haunting vision, but these feelings just scared Castiel too much. Especially when he finally understood them. And just like the humans who love the pain and the danger, he couldn't help but wish for the things he cannot have.

 

But that wouldn't be fair if with the beauty and the confusion didn't come the sorrow and the anger.

 

And Castiel wishes he could just turn off that stupid mind which screams to him what he doesn't want to hear.

No, he doesn't want to remember the angel blade or the blood on his fists or the coarse and broken voice of a friend that wasn't really one, not anymore, at least for him.

He doesn't want to remember all the wrong he did to someone he only felt pure and devastating love for.

 

And so it's why there's one question, haunting his mind for years now. The one he desperately denies the answer. Because that would hurt too much, because it could slowly drive him crazy. Because once you love someone, the worst thing that could happen is losing them.

 

And time, yes time is an enemy you can't fight, and time makes you wonder. Castiel may have the eternity in front of him, but it doesn't mean he's not scared. Especially when his own sanity depends on one ephemeral being, on one beating heart, on one question he refuses to answer.

 

 _What_ _will happen when_ _Dean w_ _ill be_ _gone?_

 

**___________________________________________________________________________________**

 

 

'Hey, Cas, you still with me?'

 

Dean's voice wakes him up. He slowly leaves the depths of his mind once again. It's a bad habit, but he can't help it. No wonder why everyone seems to think he's 'dreamy' all the time.

Castiel turns his head to the hunter and his stare crosses Dean's bright green eyes, only touch of color in the dull afternoon of that November day. This one is looking at him, raising an eyebrow, waiting for an answer of a question Castiel didn't hear.

 

The angel looks around him, a bit puzzled and lost. All these past weeks felt like a dream, or rather a nightmare. Just like the usual monsters weren't enough, they had now to find a way to stop Amara, who was, well, unstoppable. To be honest, Castiel didn't like her very much, especially after Dean finally decided to say everything that happened between him and her.

While Sam tried to understand why the Darkness would save his brother, and why Dean seemed to be so close to her, Castiel couldn't help but feel a bitter emotion in his heart. After all, Amara was a celestial creature too, even if that wasn't the best description he'd give, and wasn't much different from him. So why would Dean talk about her like this, with the strangest voice, kind of lost in respect and anger, when he was always giving Castiel short, cold answers?

No need to say jealousy gave him a surprise visit.

 

'Ok, if you don't feel like hunting now, I understand. But tell me now if I have to call Sam!' Dean snapped suddenly, making Castiel focusing on his words again.

 

'Sorry, what did you say?'

 

The hunter gives him a desperated look and sighs deeply.

 

'I said, that is the place' he answers, pointing at an old barn in a middle of the field they were facing. The cold wind suddenly makes Dean shiver and he gives an angry look to the grey skies.

 

They were on a hunt for a few days now, and it was all getting on Dean's nerves, especially when Sam couldn't come because of his broken leg. Instead, Castiel asked gently to come with him, and Dean responded by a blank stare. The angel insisted and so Dean just shrugged, saying he didn't care.

 

Ah, Dean had the words to make Castiel feel like nothing in less than a minute...

 

So, a little town saw a dozens of families murdered violently, nearly bloodless when they finally found the corpses. Sam searched a bit on his laptop and finally found another fresh murder, meaning the monsters would probably be still there. Apparently, they decided to destroy the whole city.

There was only one abandoned place, large enough to welcome a whole pack of these abominations, and it was precisely this old wood barn.

 

Castiel looks once again around him, frowning at the foggy horizon. He finally turns back to Dean, who's still staring at him like he regrets to have him on this case.

 

'Well, what do we do?' asks gently Castiel, trying not to bother Dean even more.

 

Dean turns back his head to the building. 'We enter it and shoot everything that moves?' he asks without looking at Castiel. Then, without another word, he starts walking in the pale frozen grass.

 

The angel follows him with no other noise than the anger growing inside his head. Despite his feelings for Dean, he's not totally blind and the way the hunter treats him is starting to make him upset. He doesn't say a word but if he could, he would literally throw every single one of his thoughts at Dean's face, just to make the burden on his chest disappear.

Lost again in his mind, Castiel stopped to worry about the sounds he make, and accidentally steps on a piece of wood, that breaks under his foot. The sound resonates in the field around them.

 

Dean turns to him suddenly, glowering at him. 'What are you doing!?'

 

Castiel starts to feel the heat of wrath flowing in his veins, and controls his voice to answer him 'I'm sorry, Dean. That's not gonna happen-'

 

'No, you know what? Stay there, so maybe we won't get killed because of you!' snaps back Dean, before Castiel could finish his sentence.

 

He starts to walk again and a few steps later, the angel calls him quietly. Dean ignores him and continues his way to the building. A hand grips suddenly his arm, forcing him to stop. Dean turns back suddenly.

 

'What's the matter with you!?' he says, shaking his arm to free it from Castiel. This one is facing him, a million emotions on his face.

 

'Dean! I'm trying to help! And you treat me like I wasn't capable of doing anything! What did I do to make you-'

 

'Do you think it's the moment and the place for your little drama!?' the hunter answers back, his eyes now totally dark of anger. His voice is low and deep, echoing in the woods around. 'Or maybe you want to go back to the bunker and lock yourself in your room for another month because you can't help anyone!?'

 

Castiel freezes, an answer on the edge of his lips. So Dean finally said what he really thinks about him. The angel fights back the tears that started to blur his vision. What can he say to that? Even if the truth hurts, Dean is honest towards him, for the first time.

Castiel dares to raise his eyes to look at Dean a last time, and his heart misses a beat when he sees his face.

All the anger and violence on the hunter's face vanished like they have never been there, and instead guilt and what could be sorrow color his eyes again.

 

'Cas... that's not what I meant...'

 

'Doesn't matter' answers back Castiel, trying to ignore the soreness of his heart.

 

The angel starts walking again and passes by Dean, and he would swear the hunter's fingers brushed against his coat as he muttered poor apologizes, as the sky suddenly break to let a cold and heavy rain fall on them.

 

 

**______________________________________________________________________________________________**

 

 

The rest of their walk is silent, and even if they both are close to each other, there couldn't be more space between them. The wind became stronger, messing their hair, as well with the violent rain which forces them to blink to chase all the cold tears away.

 

They stop next to the barn, knives in hand. Dean is still whispering how much he's sorry, but Castiel barely listens. Humans are strange. They hurt people, and then think they'll forgive them just because they say one little word. _Sorry_. Humanity is lazy when it comes to feelings.

 

After fives minutes of turning around the building, which is actually surprisingly huge, they found the main door. Castiel tries to listen if there's any sound coming from the inside, but with Dean muttering next to him, it's quite hard. Finally, the angel sighs and turns to the hunter behind him.

 

'It's neither the moment nor the place, Dean. Now, be quiet.'

 

Dean is left speechless and for one moment, Castiel thinks he'll go deeper in his apologizes. But he just closes his mouth and focuses on what has to be done.

 

Strangely, the place seems silent. The angel and the hunter understand each other with just some moves of their heads and the second later, each one of them is at one side of the door. Dean moves once again his head, inviting Castiel to prepare himself.

Quickly, Dean pushes the door which opens violently, letting the two men have a look inside. No monster comes out, nothing jumps at their throats. Dean frowns and gives Castiel a look, and sees that the angel is confused too.

 

Maybe the monsters left, in the end. Castiel was about to step back when Dean whistles softly to get his attention. The angel turns his head to look at him and the hunter points at the inside of the building.

 

'We'll just have a look ok? Just to be sure' he whispers.

 

Castiel nods and enters silently the place. The hunter follows him, as quiet as a wolf in the dark woods. Castiel frowns at the empty room but holds the angel blade tighter. You never know with this kind of monster, that could be a trap. By looking at Dean, he knows he thinks the same and it feels just like the calm before the storm.

 

Dean takes a few careful steps, looking around, his machete in his hand, his knuckles as white as the light piercing though the clouds outside. He walks in the barn and finally raises his head, observing the celling.

He's still moving slowly when a drop of fresh rain falls on Castiel's face. Intrigued, he raises his head to see that the roof lets some water in. He then looks at the room, and sees some puddles on the concrete ground.

Dean is still walking without looking where he puts his feet. Now that he starts to understand the room is empty, the noises he makes aren't important anymore.

 

 

Castiel notices too late the broken cable next to the hunter, sending blue sparkles in the air from time to time, like a dark snake throwing its venom.

 

Castiel notices too late that Dean is about to walk right where the water and the bright electric poison meet.

 

He screams too late a hopeless 'WAIT!' but it's useless: the snake bites and the rain kills.

 

 

There's one scream and a small blow of blue light around the hunter.

He falls on the ground with no sound but the strangled cry of fear coming from Castiel, terrified and incapable of moving.

 

 

**__________________________________________________________________________________________**

 

 

Castiel stands there. Doesn't move anymore. Doesn't breathe anymore.

 

The rain stopped outside and the night is slowly falling on the field, covering the barn in dark, starry velvet.

 

It happened so fast and yet, it felt like a strange dream, where everything is slower, and your feet just won't let you move, but every emotion is too damn real.

 

After what felt like an eternity, but was just a matter of seconds in reality, Castiel blinks and runs suddenly to the motionless hunter, still on the cold ground.

He falls on his knees and grips Dean's arm. He shakes it, muttering the hunter's name, his words coming along to the sound of his heavy breaths. Dean is lying on his back, doesn't move, doesn't breathe.

 

The angel is now shouting his name, his body shaking uncontrollably, his useless hands moving above Dean, and he doesn't know what to do.

He's afraid. Terrified even.

 

There was one time he thought Dean was dead, and he wishes he could erase this moment from his mind. It felt like millions of knives stabbing an already bleeding heart, like all the pain6 of the world in one person.

 

But now... that was different.

 

Castiel is now he's sure he'll never get up after this. Because even if his heart is holding on that poor glimpse of hope, his mind is frozen, already mourning and screaming into the darkness of the falling evening. His blood is like ice, and grief is now flowing in his veins, haunting his thoughts.

He wishes he could change the past, throw away all this emptiness and all these screams, and show all his anger to the whole Universe. He wishes he could even cry but his tired body won't even shed a tear.

 

He screams Dean's name once again, but it's just a whisper in the dust of the room as he shakes him again and again, with no more strengh.

That wasn't possible. Dean... Dean couldn't die just like that... That felt almost unfair, almost like a too human way to die... Dean deserved to die like a hunter, by protecting people and fighting evil. He deserved to fall weapon in hand, crowned by glory.

 

 

Castiel slowly sits Dean, feeling the sorrow like a blow in his heart when he sees that Dean's closed eyelids won't move. That his lips won't open to give him another sarcastic comment. That he'll not just get up and walk away in the night, his footsteps echoing on the frozen land.

Instead of that, the only thing alive in the room is the fire in Castiel's soul. He slowly takes Dean's face with shaking hands, observing its almost peaceful emotion with glazed and empty eyes.

He then puts the hunter's head on his shoulder, burying his fingers on his pale brown hair, covering his face in its blood and dust scent.

 

How did it happen? One second, he was a warrior, knife in hand and the other, he was as calm and innocent as if he was sleeping.

How will he even say that to Sam? How will he even dare to look at him in the eyes and say Dean died in such a stupid way, when he could have saved him so easily...

How will he ever accept the answer that terrified him for so long? How will he face an eternal future of loneliness if Dean's soul just flew into the ether to never come back?

 

For a moment, Castiel raises his head to look at the ceiling, and one open part of the roof shows him the night skies, full of selfish and impertubable stars. He prays, clenches his fist on Dean's jacket, gives Heaven all the strengh left in his broken grace. He begs for mercy, even if he knows it's all in vain, knowing both Heaven and Hell will celebrate the hunter's death like it's the birth of a new era of freedom.

For he gets no answer, he dives back his face in Dean's hair, holding him closer against his chest heavy of sleep and ache. He doesn't notice he's still muttering Dean's name until his mouth cannot make another word, like thorns had grown inside his throat.

He doesn't even move anymore, he stopped shaking and is now numb and cold, lost inside an almost death state, barely breathing, barely blinking his haunted eyes.

 

 

He doesn't even know how much time he stays like this... if time mattered in any way. His pain falls like sand in his glass heart, and its missing pieces let the itch grow in his whole body.

The noise is too loud inside his head, and his thoughts are drifting nowhere, and so he cannot live anymore.

He cannot feel the heat coming slowly again in Dean's body, and cannot see the slight flutter of his eyelids, the small move he makes like he was just waking up.

 

But, beyond the sound of his blood flowing like a river in his ears, he hears it. That one husky, low voice, almost like a whisper.

 

 

'Cas?'

 

 

Castiel's heart jumps in his chest and starts to beat furiously, filling his body with a new emotion, as bright as the sun: hope.

 

Dean moves slightly from Cas' shoulder to face him. Castiel still has his hands holding Dean's head, incapable of letting him go. He stares at his green eyes still full of sleep, blinking rapidly and looking lost.

 

'What- what happened?' asks Dean with the same low and broken voice, as if he didn't speak for years.

 

Castiel sighs in relief. 'You just walked in the water and there was a broken cable...' He thinks for a second before he ads 'It was- Dean, I thought you were dead!'

 

Dean smiles slightly, and winces at his sore limbs. He lets all the weight of his head lean on Cas' palm.

 

'Yeah 'm afraid I'll not give anyone the privilege to see me dead today.'

 

Castiel lets a brief laugh escape, and finally the tears that couldn't come out roll on his cheeks. Except it's not tears of grief and desolation, it's just simple and raw relief.

But Dean was too busy getting the control on his thoughts back, and didn't see any of this, as he closed his eyes to chase the burning sensation away. Before Castiel could say anything, he mutters 'Well, I suppose I'd have deserved it...'

 

Castiel is left speechless, his mouth open, waiting for a clear answer to shape in his mind. How could Dean think that?

 

For he doesn't get an answer from Castiel, Dean opens his eyes again and raises his head to look at him. He frowns when he sees Cas' confused, afflicted face, as well with his bright tears and his red, glazed eyes.

 

'That's true, after what I said! And what I did because of the Mark and-'

 

 

 

Castiel presses suddenly a kiss against Dean's mouth, stopping the flow of his words. It's gentle but all the emotions rushing through him in this very moment create a storm inside his head...

 

_Anger. Rage. Sorrow. Grief. Relief. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Love..._

 

It all moves like a deep ocean of colors inside him, a beautiful and warm sea where he drowns, where he sinks into soft abysses. Dean is so shocked he doesn't even think of moving.

Castiel is about to stop, knowing he's making a mistake, knowing it was pure madness to do that, but as he tries to move back, Dean's fingers suddenly grips his shoulder, pulling him closer as a new wave of surprise hits Cas.

 

Ah, time, always the strangest thing the world can possibly have. Five minutes ago, Cas thought he had lost his friend, the person he loved the most, and now, behind his closed eyes and on his lips, he can feel the taste of life again, even if what's happening right now still feels like a dream.

 

When they finally pull back, something in the air around them changed, something almost imperceptible, just a feeling brushing against their skin.

Or maybe it's in the fire running through their veins, or how the light is back in their wounded hearts. There's just something different in Dean's eyes too, something no one could explain. They crossed a line today, and nothing will ever be the same.

 

As they get up, Dean realizes he's breathless and shaking. If anyone ask him what happened today, he'd probably answer he just nearly died twice. He glances at Castiel and sees the angel is still staring at him, a thin smile on his lips. Dean gives him a smile back, and as he feels the heat growing in his chest, he's surprised of his own shyness. It's still a wild and scary sensation, and he'll probably need time to get used to it.

 

 

When they get out, the sky is darker than ever and the stars are still shining. Outwardly, nothing changed, but they both know they couldn't tell the same about themselves. They're not sure of anything, and the future quite terrifies us, but they know that for one moment, it was like the noise of the whole world disappeared. And they'd kill to live in this soft silence forever.

 

The only thing the Universe may ever know is that, in this very moment, as they both leave the barn and step on the frozen ground, is that no one, never saw and will never see two souls that found each other so well.

 

Two souls who should have never meet, and above all, never fall in love...

 

But time, terrible time, changed everything, _once again._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to anyone who read this, it means a lot to me! :)


End file.
